Gods of the Old Millennium – A work in progress

“Icons” are two-a-penny these days.  The power of the media age, with its 500+ TV channels, constant streaming of footy, professionalism (make that commercialism) of Rugby Union and sensationalist marketing campaigns is such that every wannabee 5 minute wonder, Johhny Come-Lately and Carlos-Kick-a-Ball goes down as an Icon of this or a hero of that.  Well, that’s all bollocks designed to make a fast buck for the next Simon Cowell.  Here are the people we all wanted to be; The Icons of the twentieth century:

Barry Sheene

Barry Sheene. God. And that is not overstating it my friends.  I really shouldn't have to explain this, but if you 're Insurance Broker is not man enough to let you do Sporting Superstars then you are not an Icon.

Barry Sheene. God. And that is not overstating it my friends. I really shouldn’t have to explain this, but if your Insurance Broker is not man enough to let you do Sporting Superstars then you are not an Icon. Then: Barry Sheene. Now: Carl Fogarty

“When the race finishes, instead of going out and chasing girls like they did in my day, now they go and say ‘thanks’ to Vodaphone” (Stirling Moss)

Feel free to add your own suggestion for Twentieth Century Icons…

 Muhammad Ali – The Greatest

I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I'm so mean I make medicine sick. - Muhammad Ali

I’m the king of the world, I am the greatest, I’m Muhammed Ali, I shook up the world, I am the greatest, I’m king of the world, I’m pretty, I’m pretty, I’m a baaaad man, you heard me I’m a baaad man, Archie Moore fell in four, Liston wanted me more, so since he’s so great, I’m a make him fall in eight, I’m a baa-aad man, I’m king of the world! I’m 22 years old and ain’t gotta mark on my face, I’m pretty, I easily survived six rounds with that ugly bear, because I AM THE GREATEST!!

“I done wrestled with an alligator, I done tussled with a whale; handcuffed lightning, thrown thunder in jail; only last week, I murdered a rock, injured a stone, hospitalized a brick; I’m so mean I make medicine sick” (Muhammad Ali)

Diego Maradona

 

There has been no better player

There has been no better player

“There would be no debate about who was the best footballer the world had ever seen – me or Pele? Everyone would say me.” Diego Maradona

Elvis

Thank ya very much!

Thank ya very much!

A hunk-a-hunk of burning Love (and that’s not being gay, that’s just tellin’ it like it is, folks!)

“His kind of music is deplorable, a rancid smelling aphrodisiac…It fosters almost totally negative and destructive reactions in young people.” (Frank Sinatra)

Dean Martin

Deano. Too Cool for School

Deano. Too Cool for School

“You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” (Deano)

 

Who’d be a Spurs fan?

LeKraka Dawn, Dawn Roamin, Jess Dawn-Donna; As a yiddo, I have had more false Dawns than a  transvestite’s singles night.  But next season, my friends…, next season is the one.

Louis Van Gaal and Rapin Van Persie will choose us over Man United and my 50 year wait will be over.  Then I will be able to commit hari-kari in the Park Lane End with renewed optimism.  COYS! Why do we do it?

 

Ugly-Girl Power

The picture above is of the so-called “beautiful” Posh Spice in 1997.  Her 40th birthday this week served to remind me how stupifyingly gullible people are.

I remember when The Spice Girls first hit the scene. They were awful; couldn’t sing, couldn’t dance but most of all they were Ug-er-ly. The four of them reminded me of those old dogs that you’d see at clubs, pissed as rats, dripping in trowled on make-up, stinking of stale “Charlie” or “Tramp” or some other acrid repellent that they had found in the bins round the back of SuperDrug.  How anyone could consider any of them a prospect in a public facing industry was, frankly, ludicrous.  And credit therefore has to  go to Simon Fuller, their agent, who really did make a silk purse out of a sows ear.  But of all of them , the ironically named “Posh” spice (I guess she was the one who had more than one pair of knickers for the week),  was the worst: Scouse Spice could sing; Scary had something akin to a personality and Baby Spice was blonde, allegedley, (which in Fuller’s mind must have counted for something);  Old Spice had the oppressed ginger-minger minority support; But Posh?  Here was just nothing but a strange alien-like, greasy, undernourished face, lank hair and no voice at all;  she wasn’t just ugly, like the rest of them, but she was devoid of any talent whatsoever.

The Crown Jewels of Australia and the World
If you don’t fancy Kylie, you’re bent.

When Victoria decided to go it alone (something she must have done on countless Saturday nights beforehand), Fuller pitched her single ‘Not Such an Innocent Girl‘ (admit it, you’d forgotten what that was called hadn’t you?) against Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t get you out of my Head‘ in the British singles charts for the number 1 spot.  Fuller is an ambitious and, for the most part, successful man, but even he couldn’t get the British public to buy that one.  I mean, a beauty contest between Dobby from Hogwarts and Linda Evangelista would have had a less likely outcome. 

Dobby or Linda? Linda or Dobby?  It's a tough one, isn't it?

Dobby or Linda? Linda or Dobby? It’s a tough one, isn’t it?

Linda E – Robo-Babe: If she was president, she’d be Babraham Lincoln.

 

 

 

 

 

 

David Beckham. To be fair, he looks a bit of a knob-head there, but he is a talented footballer.

David Beckham. To be fair, he looks a bit of a knob-head here, but he is a talented footballer.

Who can blame Beckham for playing away from that? It must have been in his contract when he married her.  Rebecca Looes was no oil painting but she wasn’t a three-bagger like his Mrs.  Surely not even David “My parents have been there for me since I was seven” Beckham is that stupid.

 

So I guess the question is “Why?” Why were they successful? I can only imagine that Fuller conceived a plan to exploit the potential of ugly girls.  In his marketing plan it must surely have said “This is the time for Ugly Girl Power.  All those wretched, skanky, forgotten old grots, that can’t even get a knee-trembler around the back of C&A before being ditched at the Taxi Rank, will support them in their millions.” “Okay Simon, it sounds like a go-er (and looks like four) but you’ll have to drop the word Ugly, it won’t float with that word in there.”  And the rest is history.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:- Ugly-Girl Power.

Phwoar!! I mean you would wouldn't you? Rather pick your own eyes out with a tea-spoon, that is.

Phwoar!! I mean you would wouldn’t you? Rather gouge your own eyes out with a tea-spoon, that is.