Tag Archives: Beckham

Ugly-Girl Power

The picture above is of the so-called “beautiful” Posh Spice in 1997.  Her 40th birthday this week served to remind me how stupifyingly gullible people are.

I remember when The Spice Girls first hit the scene. They were awful; couldn’t sing, couldn’t dance but most of all they were Ug-er-ly. The four of them reminded me of those old dogs that you’d see at clubs, pissed as rats, dripping in trowled on make-up, stinking of stale “Charlie” or “Tramp” or some other acrid repellent that they had found in the bins round the back of SuperDrug.  How anyone could consider any of them a prospect in a public facing industry was, frankly, ludicrous.  And credit therefore has to  go to Simon Fuller, their agent, who really did make a silk purse out of a sows ear.  But of all of them , the ironically named “Posh” spice (I guess she was the one who had more than one pair of knickers for the week),  was the worst: Scouse Spice could sing; Scary had something akin to a personality and Baby Spice was blonde, allegedley, (which in Fuller’s mind must have counted for something);  Old Spice had the oppressed ginger-minger minority support; But Posh?  Here was just nothing but a strange alien-like, greasy, undernourished face, lank hair and no voice at all;  she wasn’t just ugly, like the rest of them, but she was devoid of any talent whatsoever.

The Crown Jewels of Australia and the World
If you don’t fancy Kylie, you’re bent.

When Victoria decided to go it alone (something she must have done on countless Saturday nights beforehand), Fuller pitched her single ‘Not Such an Innocent Girl‘ (admit it, you’d forgotten what that was called hadn’t you?) against Kylie Minogue’s ‘Can’t get you out of my Head‘ in the British singles charts for the number 1 spot.  Fuller is an ambitious and, for the most part, successful man, but even he couldn’t get the British public to buy that one.  I mean, a beauty contest between Dobby from Hogwarts and Linda Evangelista would have had a less likely outcome. 

Dobby or Linda? Linda or Dobby?  It's a tough one, isn't it?

Dobby or Linda? Linda or Dobby? It’s a tough one, isn’t it?

Linda E – Robo-Babe: If she was president, she’d be Babraham Lincoln.







David Beckham. To be fair, he looks a bit of a knob-head there, but he is a talented footballer.

David Beckham. To be fair, he looks a bit of a knob-head here, but he is a talented footballer.

Who can blame Beckham for playing away from that? It must have been in his contract when he married her.  Rebecca Looes was no oil painting but she wasn’t a three-bagger like his Mrs.  Surely not even David “My parents have been there for me since I was seven” Beckham is that stupid.


So I guess the question is “Why?” Why were they successful? I can only imagine that Fuller conceived a plan to exploit the potential of ugly girls.  In his marketing plan it must surely have said “This is the time for Ugly Girl Power.  All those wretched, skanky, forgotten old grots, that can’t even get a knee-trembler around the back of C&A before being ditched at the Taxi Rank, will support them in their millions.” “Okay Simon, it sounds like a go-er (and looks like four) but you’ll have to drop the word Ugly, it won’t float with that word in there.”  And the rest is history.  Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you:- Ugly-Girl Power.

Phwoar!! I mean you would wouldn't you? Rather pick your own eyes out with a tea-spoon, that is.

Phwoar!! I mean you would wouldn’t you? Rather gouge your own eyes out with a tea-spoon, that is.